


In Pursuit of a Suit

by alchemicink



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, EXO (Band), JYJ (Band)
Genre: #peoplenamedYuya, Alternate Universe, Crack Fic, Gen, Happy Birthday, I probably forgot to tag someone, Meta Humor, excessive use of business cards, just an excuse to use the word haberdashery, random cameos, take a drink every time you see the word suit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 10:09:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3484292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemicink/pseuds/alchemicink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaejoong decides that it’s time to find a new suit for his new gig. But he’s not sure the Exotic Threads tailor shop is really going to help him much…</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Pursuit of a Suit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> Happy Birthday Ren!! Welcome to this ridiculous hot mess of a fic. :D My original idea was to set this in the Heart Abroad universe and tell the story of how Jaejoong came to own that green suit he wears at the conference. But then I wanted to stick exo in the story, and so I just made it a regular AU. Jaejoong should have a green suit in any universe really. Enjoy all the inside jokes. lololol~
> 
> It's my first time writing exo so I hope it turned out okay. And I apologize greatly for the lack of Joonmyun here. He got lost in the joke. ^^;;; 
> 
> And very special thanks to Red and Alice for beta-ing! <3

“I have the perfect solution for your problem.”

Jaejoong leaned back in his chair with a bit of concern as he watched his friend across the table rifle through his pockets. _Problem_ was not exactly what he had in mind a few seconds ago when he casually mentioned to Heechul that he wanted a new suit to start his new job. He was supposed to start work as a lounge singer next week at a swanky club and he thought it might be a good idea to get something new to wear. His only good suit was getting frayed around the edges, looking a little too worn down for a club where people could easily spend in one evening more money than he made in a week at his old job. 

Heechul’s eyes lit up as he finally pulled out of his pocket whatever he was looking for. He thrust a handful of business cards to Jaejoong who struggled to catch them before they fluttered into his cup of coffee resting on the table. The cards themselves were all the same, full of bright patterned designs along with the phone number and name of the business they advertised.

“Exotic Threads?” Jaejoong read out loud before glancing up to give Heechul a skeptical look. “This isn’t one of those adult cosplay shops that people go to when they want to do something kinky, is it?” 

“No,” Heechul waved his hand dismissively, nearly knocking his own cup of coffee over. But then he reconsidered and began to pat his pockets again. “But I think I have a card for one of those too if you want.”

“Not today,” Jaejoong answered. He tried not to roll his eyes. “Why do you have so many of these cards anyway?” There were six identical ones in his hands. 

Heechul took a long sip of his coffee before speaking again. “Oh, one of the employees gets really enthusiastic with the business cards and I just couldn’t say no. That’s only about half of what he gave me.” He picked up his coffee again but then realized that it was almost empty now. He set it back down and continued. “It’s a tailor shop and they’re a bunch of really great guys, even if they’re a little weird.” 

Jaejoong knew how weird his friend Heechul could be, so he wasn’t very reassured about this shop if even Heechul thought they were strange. But he supposed it couldn’t hurt to check the place out anyway. It was either that or browse the local thrift shop and hope he got lucky. 

“Will you buy me more coffee?” Heechul asked, breaking Jaejoong’s train of thought. 

Jaejoong put the handful of business cards into his wallet and scrutinized the contents inside. “How about I buy you coffee if these guys show me a really good suit?” 

Heechul looked smug. “Challenge accepted.”

***

To say that Jaejoong was less than impressed with the tailor shop would be an understatement. He stood on the tiny sidewalk of a tiny side street in front of a narrow staircase, dimly lit, with a sign directing him up for “Exotic Threads.” The whole thing seemed shady and Jaejoong wondered if this was some sort of front for the mafia or drug trafficking. Or maybe it was like a front for one of those black market organ trades like he saw in the movies. Jaejoong didn’t want to wake up somewhere on the other side of the city missing something important. He decided he was going to murder Heechul the next time he saw him (preferably by strangulation with his favorite Hello Kitty scarf) if he managed to make it out alive. With a deep breath, Jaejoong began to climb up the stairs, each step bringing him closer to his (probable) doom.

But when he reached the top and went through the door, he was almost disappointed that the place looked normal. The small room was cramped with racks upon racks of suits and dresses in all shapes, sizes, and colors. There were a few people, probably employees, scattered around the shop who looked up with interest as he walked in.

“A customer!” one said with excitement and the call echoed all around the room (and even from the back room) until finally someone poked the last guy who was sleeping by the cash register. He jerked up and looked around.

“Where’s Joonmyun?” the guy asked, still shaking off the grogginess until he noticed Jaejoong still standing by the door. “Oh, a customer?”

The other guy, _Sehun_ as his nametag read, pushed the guy away from the counter. “Kris said you need to stop sleeping on the job again, Jongin. And no one’s seen Joonmyun for hours,” he added.

Bleary-eyed Jongin just shrugged and wandered away, disappearing somewhere within the rows of suit racks.

“Um?” Jaejoong cleared his throat.

“Hello customer,” one of them said brightly. “How may we help you on this fine day?” 

Jaejoong explained that he was here on a recommendation from a friend and what he wanted to buy. But he didn’t move far from the doorway yet just in case he still needed an escape if they all turned out to be homicidal maniacs or something. He was feeling a bit unnerved. The employees here were popping up all around him from behind the racks, observing their only customer like a rare animal in the wild.

“We have all sorts of suits,” the one with the _Baekhyun_ nametag said, but before he could continue he was interrupted by a tall guy barreling out of the back room.

“Guys,” the tall one whined, “Kyungsoo is hoarding all the fabric again and—oh hi!” He grinned at Jaejoong and his smile was as bright as the light reflecting off his nametag. _Chanyeol_ apparently. “Can I interest you in some business cards?” He pulled at least two dozen from his suit pocket. 

“No Chanyeol, we can’t sell business cards,” the one named Minseok whispered loudly. “We sell suits!”

Chanyeol made the face of a sad puppy and shuffled away while he stuffed the cards back into his pocket. There was an awkward silence in the room as Jaejoong stared at the employees and the employees stared at Jaejoong and Baekhyun stared at Chanyeol’s retreating figure.

“Um?” Jaejoong repeated again. 

“Suits!” The one named Jongdae took the initiative to usher their customer further into the store. Jaejoong was directed to a cushioned bench. The racks of clothing still surrounded him at every angle, like they were closing in on him. 

One of the shorter guys, Luhan, gave him a dazzling smile and dug around one of the racks for something in particular. “We have everything you could ever dream of,” he said. “How about trying my custom made soccer suit? Do you like soccer? You should really like soccer.” He leaned close and held the suit right in Jaejoong’s face, giving him no other choice than to look at it. The suit he had pulled out was a dark color but had soccer balls stitched into the fabric. It was probably the gaudiest thing Jaejoong had ever laid eyes on (and that included everything his grandmother had ever worn). 

“Uh…” he wondered how he could tell Luhan to stuff it and still remain polite in this conversation.

“I don’t think that’s exactly what he’s looking for,” Jongin said as he returned from wherever he had been earlier. “And I can’t find what I’m looking for either. Joonmyun is still lost in the shop somewhere.” 

No one seemed particularly concerned about this news. Apparently this happened quite frequently. 

“Did he get buried under the mountain of discarded fabric again?” Sehun asked. 

“…I’ll go check,” and with that, Jongin wandered off once more. 

With that distraction gone, the group turned their attention back to Jaejoong. He gulped at the stares of… how many of them were there anyway…? Twelve? Eleven? Ten? He couldn’t keep track when they all kept moving around. Why did this little shop need so many people working at once anyway?

“You should try on some of the suits I’ve made,” one of them said. His nametag read _Tao_ and he had a mischievous glint in his eye. “Look, I even made one for my Candy.” He held up a tiny cute dog to demonstrate his skills. The white puppy was wearing an adorable three-piece pinstripe suit and Jaejoong felt the urge to cuddle it even if he was still wary of these guys. 

“Don’t let him fool you,” Minseok interrupted. “He can only sew things the size of his dog. You’d never fit into one of his suits.” 

Before Jaejoong could respond to that, Yixing, one of the dark-haired guys, spoke up with excitement, his eyes shining bright. “Oh! Since we’re showing him custom made suits, I have this great—”

“No one wants to buy your unicorn suit, Xing,” Sehun interrupted before Yixing could even pull it out. “It’s weirder than Luhan’s soccer balls.” 

Yixing pouted. “But—”

“Seriously dude,” Tao jumped into the conversation. “It’s all sparkles and rainbows and really effing weird.”

Yixing turned his nose up at the snubs and walked towards the back room. “One day someone will appreciate my art,” he muttered.

That awkward silence had returned again as the store’s employees looked around at one another to figure out who should speak next. Jaejoong wondered how often they actually _sold_ anything here. 

“…how about a Santa suit??” Chanyeol said, surprising them all by returning from seemingly out of nowhere. He waved the iconic red and white hat in the air. 

Jaejoong considered the possibility for about three whole seconds before he remembered that he was here to buy a normal suit to wear while singing. (But maybe if he got out of here alive, he’d come back around Christmas and check that possibility out. He could figure out the purpose of owning a Santa suit later.) 

“Another time perhaps.”

“Guys, guys, guys,” Baekhyun said, waving his arms in the air to get their attention. “He just wants a nice suit. We’ve got to be serious about this. We’ve got to give the customer what he wants.” 

They all nodded in agreement. “You’re right,” the group of employees agreed. 

Jaejoong breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe now they would get something accomplished and show him something decent to wear. He watched Baekhyun as he walked over towards a rack of different colored suits, all very respectable-looking. But then Baekhyun pushed the rack of clothes out of the way to reveal a baby grand piano sitting in the corner of the store. 

“It’s time for a song,” Baekhyun announced. He flexed his long fingers and then sat down on the piano bench.

“Wait, what?” Jaejoong wondered if it was too late to escape yet.

The beautiful sounds of music notes began to fill up the room and Baekhyun began to sing a song about how he would pick fancy suits over girls if he had to choose between the two. Chanyeol got excited and started singing along with him while dancing a fun routine that involved a lot of spinning and jumping and kicking. Jaejoong observed the whole thing with a sort of horrified awe, like he was watching a really nicely choreographed train wreck. But just as they were getting to the big finish and Sehun looked like he was about to join in too, another employee appeared to interrupt.

“Stop that,” the guy said, waving his arms. His nametag read _Kris, Manager_ in shiny authoritative letters. “How many times have I told you? We can’t sing to the customers. Just give the poor guy a suit.”

Chanyeol made that sad puppy face again. “But we were so coordinated this time. I bet if we all trained hard enough, we could become one of those famous idol groups that everyone talks about.” 

“Nah,” Minseok shook his head. “That’ll never happen.” 

Jaejoong tried to stand up inconspicuously as they all began to discuss what they’d be like as a hypothetical idol group. He inched a few steps towards the door again but Sehun spotted him before he could get far. The young employee grabbed a handful of suits from the nearest rack and shoved them into Jaejoong’s hand. 

“Go try these on and see how you like them,” he commanded and pushed Jaejoong towards the one dressing room stall they had in the entire store. 

Jaejoong figured that he couldn’t complain since he was _finally_ doing what he’d come here for in the first place. But he was still feeling very weirded out by the shop employees, so he pulled out his cellphone and dialed the first number that came to mind while he fumbled around to put on the first suit.

“ _Hello_?” the voice on the other end of the line picked up. It sounded like Jaejoong had just interrupted him from a nap. 

“Yoochun, old buddy, old pal,” Jaejoong said in whisper a bit louder than he’d intended. “I need you to rescue me.” 

“ _Are you locked in a supply closet again? Because I’m not calling the fire department to rescue you again if you have enough cell phone service to call me. You can do that yourself._ ” 

“No, I’m in a dressing room and—”

“ _I’m going back to sleep. Call Junsu._ ” And with that the line went dead. Jaejoong sighed. He shed off the first suit and dialed Junsu’s number instead. 

“Junsu, old buddy, old pal,” he said as soon as the line connected. “I need you to—”

“ _You’ve reached Junsu’s voicemail. I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m busy doing something awesome. Leave a message and I’ll call you back when I’m not doing something awesome. Which will be, like, never. Hahaha goodbye._ ”

Jaejoong resisted the urge to beat his phone against the wall in frustration. Instead he adjusted the sleeves of the current suit before deciding that it just wasn’t the right look for him. He changed again and dialed the next number on his phone. 

“Changmin, old buddy, old pal,” he began.

“ _Nope,_ ” and the line went dead. Jaejoong supposed he really should have expected that.

He tried the next person. 

“Yunho, old buddy, old pal. I need you to rescue me.”

His friend cleared his throat and answered in a worried whisper. “ _Sorry Jae, I’m having a bit of a crisis myself. Can’t talk long. I’m hiding._ ”

“Do I… even want to know?” 

“ _It involves an angry cat, three heads of lettuce, and Boa. I can’t go into details right now. I fear for my life._ ” 

Jaejoong nodded in understanding before answering. Suddenly he didn’t feel so bad about his situation. “Don’t die, okay?” But the line had already gone dead. 

He shuffled through the suits and scrolled through his phone contacts for someone else to save him. 

“Yamapi, old buddy, old pal,” Jaejoong whispered. His voice sounded a little muffled since he was cradling the phone between his ear and his shoulder while he zipped up his pants. “I need you to rescue me.” 

“ _Are you trapped in a supply closet again? Because I—_ ”

“Why does everyone keep bringing that up?!” Jaejoong said and then remembered that he was supposed to be quieter. He didn’t know whether the employees were standing creepily outside the dressing room listening to him or not. “No, I’m in a store buying a suit.”

“ _Oh, a haberdashery?_ ”

“A haba-what?”

“ _It’s a shop that sells men’s clothing._ ” 

“I think they sell dresses here too… but that’s not the point.” Jaejoong shook his head to shake away the distraction. “I need someone to rescue me.” 

“ _Try calling Ryo. Maybe he can help._ ”

“Doesn’t Ryo hate me?” 

“ _Nonsense… Ryo’s just a grumpy guy. He’s like that with everyone._ ” 

Jaejoong examined himself in the mirror, checking to make sure the suit fit in all the right places. “Well, okay then. I’ll try.” He hung up and only belatedly realized that he should have asked Yamapi where he learned the word _haberdashery._

He quickly dialed Ryo’s number. “Ryo, old buddy, old pal…”

_Click._

Jaejoong stared at his phone for a few seconds as he processed what had happened. Ryo had totally hung up on him without saying anything. He clenched his fist and vowed to complain about this to Yamapi later (and maybe introduce him to Changmin because they’d probably be great friends).

Jaejoong was running out of options and he was feeling desperate. The only other person who came to mind to call was Yamapi’s friend Tegoshi, but he didn’t have the number saved in his phone so he’d have to dial it from memory. He changed out of his current suit and threw on the next one in haste as he stared at the keypad of his phone. His fingers moved across the numbers quickly and then he put the phone up next to his ear again, listening to it ring. 

“Tegoshi, old buddy, old pal,” he began as soon as the line picked up. 

“ _…this is Yuya_?” a voice answered but it didn’t sound exactly right. 

“…Tegoshi… Yuya…?” 

“ _Takaki Yuya_ ,” the voice on the other end clarified. He sounded quite confused.

“Oh I’ve dialed the wrong number,” Jaejoong said. “What are the odds…” he muttered to himself. “Sorry to bother you.” 

With disappointment, Jaejoong put away his phone and changed back into his regular clothes. All of the suits were nice but they just didn’t seem to be appropriate for the job of a lounge singer. He needed something with _pizzazz_. 

When he stepped out of the dressing room, he was only slightly surprised to see that the employees were still busy discussing the details of their hypothetical idol group. They had apparently decided on breaking the group up into two subgroups to sing in different languages, and now they were deciding the details of their debut song and music video. The consensus seemed to involve developing a mythological backstory about having super powers or something. Jaejoong didn’t quite follow all the details. 

But just when Jaejoong thought they were distracted enough for him to slip out, Tao caught sight of him. He made that mischievous smirk again and shouted “how were the suits?” 

“Not exactly my style?” he answered tentatively. 

“Well then,” Baekhyun began and put on a pair of small-framed glasses. “We’ll just have to _make it work_ ,” he said in his best Tim Gunn impression.

Tao pulled out some measuring tape and Jaejoong didn’t even want to know where he’d been hiding that. “We can make a suit from scratch for you then. We are tailors, after all.” It was probably supposed to be a friendly gesture, but Jaejoong thought he looked rather menacing with the way he was holding the tape. Minseok came from the back room with armfuls of different fabrics. 

“This is all I managed to wrestle away from Kyungsoo,” he explained. Chanyeol grabbed some of the fabric and helped spread it out on the table. There were a lot of hideous patterns and clashing colors. Jaejoong cringed at the one with a weird flower pattern all over it. It looked like a pair of curtains his great aunt used to have. 

“Why did you guys even buy this fabric?” he asked, not even bothering to mask his horrified expression.

“It was on sale,” they all answered. 

“Gee, I wonder why…” Jaejoong muttered. 

While they were all eagerly waiting for Jaejoong to pick out some fabric for his suit, Jongin popped up again. “We found Joonmyun finally. He got locked into the bathroom accidentally, but I got him out.” 

“So where’s he now?” Kris asked.

“Right here…” Jongin looked over his shoulder but frowned when he realized that Joonmyun was actually not there. “Hm…”

“You should find him again,” Sehun said, grabbing Jongin’s shoulder for extra emphasis. “It’s payday and we need him to sign the checks!” 

Jaejoong would have been more interested in the ongoing saga of their missing coworker if Chanyeol hadn’t been busy trying to measure Jaejoong’s knees. Jaejoong frantically looked around the room for a way out.

And that was when he spotted it. 

A green suit hanging on a rack over near the wall. It wasn’t too flashy and it wasn’t too demure either. Just a perfect balance of fancy and snazzy a lounge singer needed. Jaejoong wished he’d noticed it an hour ago. 

“I’ll take that suit,” he announced and pointed dramatically towards it. 

“Do you want to try it—”

“Nope. I’m positive that’s the one I want. No doubt about it.” 

“We should sing again. This time in celebration,” Baekhyun said, walking back towards the piano. 

Jaejoong shook his head furiously. “No, that’s okay. I got the gist of it the first time.”

“Okay then,” Minseok said with a nod. “We’ll wrap everything up here then.” 

Jaejoong tapped his fingers impatiently on the counter as they meticulously put the suit in a bag and rang up his credit card. Chanyeol handed him a sack of business cards to “give to all your friends!” and Jaejoong couldn’t refuse when he was so close to escaping. 

“Come again soon!” they all said as he exited the shop. The last thing he heard as the door closed as a voice, presumably the unseen Kyungsoo, shouting “bring me back my fabric!!”

***

“Is this real coffee?” 

Jaejoong watched as Heechul peered hesitantly at the cup he’d just set down in front of him. It was a tiny cup, probably only a few mouthfuls at the most. Before today, he didn’t even know their coffee shop sold drinks this small.

“Yes it’s real coffee,” Jaejoong answered with a smirk. “I promised you coffee if I got a good suit from those guys.” 

Heechul sniffed the drink suspiciously. He glanced at Jaejoong’s sly grin and then at his cup and then at Jaejoong again. Finally Heechul decided that it smelled like coffee and not poison, and his need for caffeine won the internal battle, so he took a sip. Jaejoong burst out laughing at Heechul’s immediate look of disgust.

“This is decaf,” he whined.

Jaejoong nodded. “I got a nice suit but I feared for my sanity the whole time. And you didn’t specify the kind of coffee anyway.” Plus, that green suit was nice but the sleeves were slightly too short.

Without a word, Heechul merely swiped Jaejoong’s coffee cup in revenge and gulped half of it down in one swallow. Jaejoong watched in amusement since he knew Heechul didn’t like creamer and that’s what half his drink consisted of. 

“To be honest,” Heechul said after he drained the cup and slammed it back down on the table like a beer mug, “I didn’t think you were going to find anything you liked at their store. You’re so picky.” 

“I can make it work,” Jaejoong retorted back. “You should be proud of me. I wanted to bolt out of there as soon as they started singing.” 

“But that’s a bonus!” Heechul said with an oblivious happy tone. “Anyway,” he stood up, “I’ve got to run. Thanks for the coffee.” Before he walked away, he pulled something out of his pocket and carefully placed it on the table beside Jaejoong’s empty coffee cup. “Just in case you ever need something else a bit… different…” and then he smirked as he left.

It was another business card. Jaejoong looked at the fancy writing on it. _Big Bang Costume Shop_ it read on the front. He flipped it over. _We fulfill all your desires_ was written on the back. 

Jaejoong grimaced and put the card away in his pocket so he didn’t have to look at it. He was not going to some weird cosplay shop because knowing his luck, he’d end up in some big fluffy animal suit or something. He thought he’d had enough adventures from Heechul’s recommendations to last a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> [This](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiweaZQ8g5U/) is the song Baekhyun was playing on the piano before he got interrupted. Of course.


End file.
